Feeling a bit blah

I've been studying pretty consistently for the past week, and usually I feel pretty good after I study, but right now I feel like I'm sort of in a funk. I am generally a very happy person and very optimistic about everything I do, that is why I have such lofty goals. But right now I'm just sort of tired of waiting and want some action to happen. What I'm referring to is my current application to UBC. But first, some background.

I had a pretty great childhood, and I have a lot of memories. Things that stand out are road hockey, exploring the trails, and going on the Vancouver trip. My grade 6 class went on a 3 day field trip to Vancouver (my school was on Vancouver Island) and we stayed at the UBC dorms and went to all of the UBC attractions, as well as some Vancouver attractions. I loved the trip and it was at this point that I knew I wanted to go to UBC one day.

Fast forward to me being 19 years old, my dream came true as I was accepted to UBC. I moved to Vancouver on short notice, and was pretty happy about being a UBC student and about getting a UBC degree one day. I commuted for 2 semesters and I lived on campus for one semester and that was an amazing experience. I loved living on the UBC campus as I fulfilled my childhood dream (well, technically my 2nd dream as my 1st was to play in the Stanley Cup Finals in the NHL). But it wasn't all good news, as I had some demons and distractions as I either failed my classes or didn't finish them. I had some personal issues I was going through, because I found my mood was all over the place, and I just usually wasn't up for studying. I knew I could do it and do well, but the motivation just wasn't there. I felt dull and empty when it came to doing homework. I felt like it didn't matter. Maybe I felt that I could get away with not having to study. It was very likely a combination of things and factors that contributed to the final result. But the end result was that I was forced to withdraw from UBC because of poor performance. I think I had like a 37% average in all of my UBC courses.

I felt awful, but I knew I had it in me to do better. As I graduated high school I was offered some decently sized scholarships to the schools I applied for. While it may be easy to get around 500-1000 dollars of credit for tuition at a Canadian school, I think most would agree it's a bit harder to lock up around 6000 dollars of scholarship money for a Canadian school, which I what I did when I was in grade 12.

When I was in high school, my days used to go like this:
4:50am: eat a banana and drink a glass of water,
5:00am: do a bit of math homework
5:30am: go for a fast paced 50 minute run which included about 15 minutes of stairs
6:20am: shower, get ready
6:30am: make breakfast (usually cereal with an omlette or protein shake)
6:50am: drive my mom to work
7:15am: arrive at school and do some more homework
8:05am: start first class
10:45am: lunch time, eat my packed lunch fast, then do more homework
11:45am: more class
2:20pm: end of classes, do more homework in one of the science classrooms
2:50pm: leave school for the day and go pick up my mom from work
3:10pm: attend extra-curricular and/or go to friend's house

On days where I didn't have an extra-curricular after school, I would either go to the gym and hit the weights or I would go home and do homework from 3-5pm then watch some news and eat dinner. I was a news addict in high school. Then at 7pm, if I still had unfinished homework I would do that, or if there was a test coming up, I would prepare for the test.

As you can see though, most of the time, I had finished all of my homework by the time I had to leave school and pick up my mom, which was around 3pm. Some days I even finished everything before I even got to school that day at 8:05am. Getting everything finished by 8am is impressive to me and an absolutely great feeling, one that I'm definitely going to get back to.

Anyways back to the time when I left UBC. I took a full calendar year away from school. If a student is asked to withdraw from UBC, they then have to go through what they call re-admission. I actually found out I could reapply to UBC through Access Studies, and I could technically take classes there even though I had not gone through their re-admission process yet. But in January of 2014 I ended up going to Langara instead. This was one of the best decisions I have ever made, as you know how the rest of the story goes as I started my blog in March of 2014, reporting how well I was doing there, and then finding success in future semesters as well.

But now, what I meant in my opening paragraph when I said of my "current application to UBC", is that I am just now applying for re-admission. This is because one of the stipulations is that you have to do something like a year's worth of credits at a different school before returning to UBC.

I have been VERY anxious about my application. Getting removed from UBC has been somewhat of a traumatic experience for me, as it really affected me. So the reason I'm feeling blah is that this UBC application has brought up a lot of negative feelings from the past for me. This, along with the fact that it has been dark and dreary for some time, sort of gets to you around this time of year as you are just looking forward to spring/summer now. Although we don't get much snow here in Vancouver, SAD, or seasonal affective disorder is very present in BC. Luckily though, I feel as though it has been unusually sunny this winter, so this may not be contributing as much for me as in years past. I'm thinking it must mostly be the whole negativity of reapplying to UBC. I just feel like I would be so crushed if I didn't get back into UBC. Because I'm 23 and only in 3rd year, I want to try to maximize my time and get a degree and get into medical school as soon as possible. So you could imagine, that waiting an extra year for my degree is not what I want to be doing (Langara only offers a few bachelor's degrees, with them mostly being in either nursing or business). I feel like I have been waiting to get into medical school since I was 17. I am just sick of waiting and want to get some results. That's why I would feel so amazing if I got back into UBC, and specifically if I got into the Kinesiology program, as that is my first choice, with Arts being my second. It's not medical school, but getting re-admitted to UBC is still a step in the right direction and a sure sign of me becoming successful again.